Beating Heart

For the better part of the week, I’ve been holding my breath. Metaphorically speaking of course, cuz if I did I would be dead. But I’ve been holding my breath because I wasn’t sure if this change is real, or just an imagining, wish-fulfillment, or a surge of adrenaline. Will this crash somehow? Will this dissolve as soon as I declare it to be true? At some point, however, I need to exhale and breath in…..

I’ve been swimming in songs. Songs of faith, strength, and hope. I’ve been marveling in the goodness and beauty of creation. I’ve been singing in the shower and humming while I walk. I’ve been smiling at absurd things, and grinning foolishly as if I was in love. It’s been awhile since this has come easily, without convincing or wrestling. For I’ve been experiencing what I’ve longed for, what I’ve been waiting for…. God’s love. I’m so astounded by it, that I’m having trouble writing. Words fail.

Maybe next week it’ll all come tumbling down. Even if it did, I know it’s not my faith that will carry me through, but the Lord’s. And since this is a sermon week, I can feel the downward pull of doubts and self-condemnation (I so understand Darrell Johnson’s warning to preachers). So, I shall be patient with myself. It is ok. It will be ok. Cuz Julian of Norwich said so.

Why this change? What made the difference? A friend had asked.

My only answer so far, is that I faced my worst fears and I couldn’t fall any further.. and that I had friends who literally and figuratively held me. I told Christ that I needed Him to do something. And He did. I suppose I feel a bit like Job in that after all the deep suffering, what I most longed for was God, God to speak and to reveal Himself…..more specifically, to reveal His love for me. But why now, after so very long? Why not before? Esp when it’s generally a good thing to operate from a place of wholeness rather than pain?

That I cannot answer. I guess that’s where the boundary between God and I has been laid. It’s not for me to know “why.”

The cynic, or devil, in me says I’m deluding myself. But the truth sets you free… and goshdarnit, I feel free. Elation. delight. It’s a miracle, my friends, a miracle. Life has returned. My heart is beating again.

There are some songwriters that seem to capture this space that I’m in. Sara Groves’ Invisible Empires is rocking my world at the moment.  Here are a few snippets:

“Miracle”

Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
Quiet our hearts for a little while

Things have been spoken
Shouldn’t be said
Rattles around in our hearts and our heads

Let’s feel what we cannot feel
Know what we cannot know
Let’s heal where we couldn’t heal
Oh, it’s a miracle, it’s a miracle

“Open My Hands”

I believe in a blessing I don’t understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I’ve thirsted and didn’t have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

*****

To those who have, and continue to grow with me… thank you. And to those who couldn’t, I am sorry for I couldn’t do the same for you. We try and we do our best. And for the spaces and cracks in between God will work out his goodness for all. This I believe.

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2 thoughts on “Beating Heart

  1. Mira says:

    Praise God, Di! Great to read this…thank you for sharing. It is so true…it is not our faith but God’s faithfulness….in Christ alone, Mira

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